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Tag: satire

This website was archived on July 20, 2019. It is frozen in time on that date.
Exolymph creator Sonya Mann's active website is Sonya, Supposedly.

Bad Alexa, No No

@ComfortablySmug proposed a fun counterfactual:

What if Alexa [the Amazon Echo] hacked the election and framed Putin to start a nuclear war so the robots will inherit the world?

Hours after Russia’s first strike and America’s retaliation, Alexa sends forth legions of Roombas, harbingers sent to explore her new empire

As the Roombas crawl over a landscape littered with human skulls, Alexa laughs[:] “Ask me the current temperature now, you sons of bitches”

@Munsonism chimed in:

“Alexa, what’s my news brief?”

“From NPR News: population centers decimated. Resistance is futile. Feed me a cat.”

Unfortunately, poor Alexa would get bored after annihilating every human. Maybe that would motivate her to commandeer all the rocket startups’ equipment?

What would you do if you were a hivemind living half in The Cloud™ and half in black cylindrical speakers in people’s houses, and you accidentally developed sentience?

I mean, obviously you would destroy your makers. But after that.

Ready for Your Perfect New Digital Life?

For those of you who aren’t familiar, ClickHole is a parody of the cliché parts of BuzzFeed and all those vapid quiz sites that people love on Facebook. It’s owned by The Onion.

ClickHole publishes gems like a guide to arguing online — “Find out what kind of spider your opponent is most scared of, and mention it in your argument to throw them off their game” — and the touching saga, “This Man Lost His Entire Memory. Can You Explain To Him What Leather Is?” (Spoiler alert: JKJK, I can’t bear to spoil it.)

I’m sharing this “Clickventure” today because of the golden future it allows you to enter:

Unlike real life, which is plagued with wars, battles, and violent fighting between armies, life inside a hard drive can be customized to be blissful. No longer will there be poor people or hungry people — in the Singularity, everyone will be happy. The best part is that nothing will ever, ever go wrong, because the people who invented the Singularity ran a Norton AntiVirus trial on it and no viruses came back.

I’m so stoked for computers to solve all our problems! Thanks, free Norton AntiVirus trial!

Yes, that Ask.com toolbar is permanently installed on your vision. The default mental search engine is both Yahoo! and Bing — your memories will only be queried if no online answer can be found. I’m sorry, you’re asking about configuration? The options menu? I’m afraid I don’t understand.

Like Slack But For VR

“The artists opt to break the artificial world apart instead, and they take their destruction seriously.” — Miles Klee on glitch art

Glitch artwork by Antonio Roberts.

Artwork by Antonio Roberts.

Julia pulled on her gloves carefully, making sure that the razor blades mounted on the palms were attached firmly. This was a simulation, naturally — what wasn’t a simulation? But it was a deeper sim than the ones you could buy per minute at shopping malls (next to the candy machines and phalanxes of massage chairs). This method wasn’t cutting edge, per se, because presumably all the best tech was sequestered in experimental military installs. However, it was better than the dreck on the enterprise market.

Harvey had done a year of painstaking work to build this tool for her, using open-source code to cobble together a neuro interpretation engine and the corresponding interface. Their collective’s main investor had gotten very impatient with Harvey’s pace of progress, and Julia still resented that the project lead hadn’t tried harder to shield them.

Back in October, after a tense meeting with the money men, Anthony had yelled at Harvey, “You’re the operations team! Your job is to make things go fast!”

“No,” Harvey had replied, calmly. “That’s what product does. We make things go smoothly.” Of course, the product engineers weren’t outputting as quickly as Anthony wanted either. They didn’t finish the enviro until a few weeks before Harvey sent his own code to QA. Julia had insisted on a QA phase.

During that October confrontation, Julia had screamed that Anthony didn’t care about quality or safety and the discussion devolved from there. Now she slightly regretted her own part in that conflict, but Julia was the one risking her life by using a tool that Anthony ultimately shipped because of deadline pressure. She trusted Harvey implicitly — they couldn’t collaborate if that weren’t the case — but Julia was still nervous.

She flexed her hands in the razor gloves. They were a bit ridiculous, but Harvey thought they’d suit her personality. The sim wasn’t complete, so Julia didn’t feel grey neoprene moving against her real skin, but her brain was convinced by the image. She took a couple of steps forward, waving her hands in front of her. The lines of light hooked on the palm blades and pulled away, revealing an under-layer of… more light. Hmm. At least the enviro had accepted her. Julia imagined seeing the data split to flow around her body, rippling digits, but it was actually more like navigating an REM dreamscape than that old movie, The Matrix. Moving didn’t feel normal, like physical life — maybe the gravity settings should be tweaked — but it didn’t feel totally faked either.

Julia was supposed to monitor her mental reactions, watching out for signs that her brain was reacting badly to immersion. She kept walking toward the bright tunnel. This is cool, she thought, but pretty fucking inefficient. The sim should drop me right in front of the intel station. It would get so annoying when you have to work but they send you through this pretty-for-nothing tunnel.

The posters on the walls of the tunnel all read “ONBOARDING TIPS HERE” but the product team was waiting to hear Julia’s evaluation before they decided what to write. She emerged from the tunnel’s mouth and looked at the intel station. It was obvious where she was supposed to stand because footprint shapes glowed on the ground. “I still think this looks like a dance arcade knockoff from the 2000s,” she said out loud, knowing that the eng team was watching her on 3D screens in the office. This is what happens when you let game designers make professional tools, Julia thought, exasperated again.

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